Ask a Bas­terd: Can I Ans­wer My Cell at a Movie if It Seems Urgent ?

Can I ans­wer my cell during a movie if it seems urgent?
Never. It may be a brief interruption—just a few seconds—but what if someone sit­ting near you is trying to make a decent boot­leg? Did you ever think of that? Now all those street-corner copies are per­ma­nently defi­led by your so-called “emer­gency.” Don’t be so damn selfish.

Ask a Bas­terd: Is It OK to Look at Porn at Work ?

Is it OK to look at por­no­gra­phy at work ?
Don’t just look at it at work, bring in your old porn mags and scan them there! It’s like conver­ting your vinyl to MP3s. Fill up your hard drive, and when you need a break from spread­sheets, just open a favo­rite pictorial.

Ask a Bas­terd: Am I a Jerk if I Dump Our Sucky Rock Band Bassist ?

Our Rock Band bas­sist sucks. Am I a total jerk if I kick him out?
Who cares? You shred, he doesn’t. Fire his ass. Bonus: It’ll put the others on notice. Anyone who doesn’t keep up can hit the road. Even if that means firing the whole band. Remem­ber: All great artists go solo even­tually. Just think of Ron­nie James Fri­ckin’ Dio.

Ask a Bas­terd: Can I Talk on the Phone While Taking a Whiz ?

Can I talk on the phone while taking a whiz ?
No, you can’t talk on the phone! Do you want the guy next to you to hear your entire conver­sa­tion? That’s why you should only text in the bathroom. Just be sure you don’t hit the wrong but­ton and end up put­ting a photo of your junk on Twit­ter. Trust me, you don’t want those followers

Ask a Bas­terd: Can I Post My Wife’s Butt on Twit­ter Without Asking ?

I want to post a pic­ture of my wife’s butt on twit­ter á la Ashton Kutcher. Do I need to ask her first, or can I snap, post, and hope she’ll be flat­te­red ?
Don’t take a pic­ture of your wife’s butt. That’s silly. Take pic­tures of other people’s wives’ butts.